Music for me was (and still is) a much welcomed place of escape, a distraction – a space to hide and keep emotions at bay. I fantasised through music for much of my teens and college years, listening endlessly. Headphones on. Head in the clouds.
I thought that if I could be like Avicii then I would feel OK.
After years of learning music production, theory and making electronic dance music. I self-released my debut album ‘Wireframes’ in 2015. I’m so proud of the music, which represented 2 years of growth. But, self-doubt meant that I didn’t really do the promo it deserved. The CDs are gathering dust in the attic.
A few of the songs blew up on SoundCloud. This led me to connect with fellow DJs that liked my music and wanted to release on my label. Something I had never even thought of. Learning quickly, I signed & released music for 60+ emerging artists. It was rewarding but bittersweet – I found it easier to promote other artists rather than my own music.
I slowed down to catch a breath and to be with myself for a time in 2017.
Then, Avicii died.
When he suicided, I found myself confused and confronted with my ambitions. I went from being in awe of his success – to incredibly grateful to just be alive. At that time, sadly that wasn’t always the case for me.
It took the wind out of my sails and challenged me profoundly. I felt tormented about pursuing music. I was learning from therapy, meditation and Avicii’s death that – no amount of external success would make me feel OK.
I stopped. I looked inwards.
Now I find myself in quite a different frame of mind. Though at times I still wrestle with myself, I know now that I must create and then let go. Make music, and then allow the universe to do the rest.
I have less desire to be the next Avicii but rather be me, and allow what happens to happen. I’m not searching. I’m looking to my heart for gold.
If you relate and are wrestling with your ambitions – your dreams – know that you’re not alone. Share this song with anyone that needs to hear it. Oh – and remember to Dance!